Now as I write this post, I have a sad realization that there is going to be a large part of people who won’t get this analogy on life but here we go.
When I was in school (way back in the day) we used to read books and occasionally some called “Pick a path” books and honestly, I both loved and hated those things! Haha!
Let me give you a quick explanation for anyone who hasn’t read one but they are exactly as they sound. You start reading the story and as you just start really getting into it, investing in the characters and the plot and wanting to see where it all goes BAM! - a page pops up and all of a sudden you’re given a choice.
Now you “Pick a path”. You get options and depending on what you choose you turn to a certain page number you are given. You don’t keep reading the pages in numerical order, now you are off on your own path. This continues several times throughout the story depending on each choice you make and eventually the story ends based on the choices you made. Here’s the good part though! If you don’t like the ending you can go back and choose all over again until you get the story right. Until its just the way you want.
Today I got to thinking about this because I’ve been doing some introspection and thinking about my life and the choices I’ve made. How could my life have been different if I just chose something different at one particular moment or another?
My recent choice to up and move is one thing that got me thinking like this. I don’t know what your life is like but I’ve always believed when the universe sends you a message, you should listen!
Don’t get me wrong! I’m not complaining about my life at all and there are things in my life I couldn’t ever imagine trading.
Our choices make us who we are, and they define our lives to a point. The thing is is that regardless of what’s happening in our lives we always have some kind of choice.
Whatever your beliefs are (and we all have them) from manifestation to everything happens for a reason, or nothing is consequence and everything is already laid out for us regardless of choice it’s hard for me to not wonder “what if”!
I’ve made choices in my life that some might say were brave or crazy and some I’ve seriously questioned myself but that have given me some incredible experiences.
Most often people think it’s major decisions that you want to go back and change. Sometimes those would’ve had massive change on where you ended up in life. For me, these days it’s the small choices that I think could’ve made some huge changes and I’ve been struggling with not being able to shift my focus from the thought of “what if”.
What if I’d said what I wanted to in that moment? What if I’d stayed a little longer? What if I’d just done one little thing differently?
One thing that comes back up in my life from time to time and has always brought with it a sense of “what if” I couldn’t shake is a past friendship/relationship. I had been seeing a couple of guys at the time. (I was young and carefree and looking for love) and had also recently reconnected with someone from even younger days. Each of these guys was great in their own way. 2 of them I was certain were interested in me romantically. The third one is the one that pops back up in my mind from time to time though. Sometimes its months apart. Other times its years and out of the blue.
He was always easy to talk too and made me laugh and of course was someone I already had history with. I had just always felt happy around him. At the time we had reconnected out of the blue as well. One night while we were talking he said “I love you” just before the conversation ended.
I should’ve said it back. It didn’t matter what context he said it in. Friendly? Romantic?
Here’s where I want to flip the book back. Here’s where I wish I’d picked another path!
Would things have ended any differently? Who knows? Sometimes the story still ended the same. It just took a different twist or turn along the way. Sometimes the ending was completely different. The point is my anxiety kicked in that night and I didn’t get the words out like I should’ve. I know I should’ve said it because that’s how I felt.
How do I know? Cause every time this moment in my life pops back up for some reason my first thought is ALWAYS – I should’ve said I love you to him. I should’ve gotten those words out. I screwed up.
Again, the ending could’ve been exactly the same for me but I wouldn’t have carried any of the regret around that I’m still holding onto. He was just such a great guy.
Regret is a hard thing to “get over” sometimes. Especially when it involves someone you care about.
I haven’t written or spoken of it often but I suffer from anxiety. I have for years. In fact not long before this example I’m sharing took place I was on medication to help with it.
One of the biggest things I find with anxiety is the way it affects my choices…….and I think that’s why I have a hard time “letting go” of things I wish I’d done. It’s because it’s not simply I made a bad choice, or the wrong choice. It’s like someone else choosing for you every now and again and you getting stuck with the results of the choice whether you like it or not.
It’s like going into an ice cream shop and your favorite flavor being strawberry or mint chip and someone else ordering you a bubble gum or tiger tail and now you have to eat the damn thing! The real you wouldn’t have ever ordered that.
If you don’t suffer from anxiety or never have it’s a hard thing to explain. My anxiety is largely hidden. Most things like depression and anxiety are. I’ve learned how to cope with them for the most part but they take over a part of me that no one really understands except my sister and a couple of my closest friends.
I can literally turn into what seems like a sad, angry or irritable person on the outside because of something causing my anxiety to “flare up” if you will! Something that a normal person wouldn’t find overwhelming can internally be taking over my entire ability to control my thoughts or how I am able to react to them. If you see me on any given day or don’t know me well enough you’d never think I have it.
I hide it as I said above.
In order to help with understanding and at the risk of sounding like a complete lunatic here’s a small example of what I mean:
When bedbugs were a HUGE problem in Toronto not too long ago (pretty sure they just constantly are) the information about them was being spread around in the news. Having family and friends in Toronto I was nearly neurotic. If someone like my sister came to visit from there I lived in fear that bedbugs would come with them. I mean FEAR! All consuming fear (cue Jaws movie sound effects) - I vacuumed and washed bedding and clothing and in my mind every single WORST case scenario would flood through my head.
I would have them in the house. They would be biting the kids. I wouldn’t be able to get rid of them. I would have to call an extermination company and that still might not work.
In fact, I did once and got all the information on the dogs they use to come and detect them because the kids were getting the occasional little bites. (Never mind it was summer and mosquitoes were out in full force). It would drive my family NUTS and they would think I was crazy because I was going to such extremes. I was!
None of them realized though that reassurance helps a lot. I tended to be the one to deal with the major issues in life that arose and didn’t have anyone who could reassure me that the worst case scenario was likely not going to play out every single time. So I prepared for it.
I could go on. These thoughts literally would race around in my mind while I walked around pretending to be normal on the outside. I would snap at people sometimes if they did something that I thought increased the chance of any of these things happening. Even if they were totally illogical. I developed a ridiculous fear of laundromats (because people in apartments go there and you could get them from there….don’t even ask me if that’s true). I was terrified to go to hotels. I headed to Kentucky with my sister to see some friends of ours and we stayed in a very nice hotel there but I literally scoured that room incase they were there and could barely relax “just incase” I ended up taking them home. There weren't any there!
I’m honestly fairly good at controlling my thoughts these days for the most part!
I still practice regularly. It’s one big thing I have to accept about myself and hope others will be able to accept about me should they decide they want to that involved in my life!
I’m working on reducing my anxieties and fears by talking about them even if they seem insane and my sister and friends will tell me exactly that but that’s what they are there for!
Lately I’ve been working on raising my vibe and am pretty happy/laid back in general when things are under control. The problem is sometimes you don’t know how or when anxiety will kick in and take over.
I couldn’t get the words out that night, and I didn’t get another chance. I think that’s what’s always bothered me about it.
When you can explain something to someone you almost always feel better about it. Even if it’s something you’ve done wrong or something that happened not the way you intended. Not being able to explain why I never said it back when I felt it is hard. Would it change anything – again it doesn’t matter.
I locked up in a flood of thoughts that night. I had noticed it building before that night but when he said it my anxiety went crazy and thoughts of self-doubt and fear that I wasn’t good enough or would disappoint him literally poured into my brain until the wrong words had come out and he was gone.
None of the thoughts I had made any sense. Re-read the bed bug thing if you don’t believe me!
Our choices can dictate our life, and anxiety sometimes dictates your choices. In the end you can end up in a constant struggle of back and forth wondering about those certain times when you'd give anything to pick another path and see how/if the story changed.
I am a religious person (by definition as I have always followed in the Christian faith) but I find spirituality in things not only found in my faith. In the universe and spirituality in general. I believe in the laws of energy and attraction and debate myself regularly on manifestation/fate/ and preordained destiny. There are (once you look into things) very strong basis and backings for all these as well if you are an open-minded person.
If you were to ask an expert in any category they could all explain situations and circumstances to you in a way that best suits their beliefs in very convincing ways.
I believe so many of these things co-exist and am trying to figure out my place in this story of life as I go along with the info I get and through the choices that come up that I have to make.
I’m trying to trust myself and those choices.
I just wish sometimes I had the darn book ahead of time so if I REALLY wanted to I could pick a different path!
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