"By facing our challenges and overcoming them we grow stronger, wiser and more compassionate" - John Templeton
For 24yrs I lived a healthy, happy life with few health issues other than a couple of broken bones as a kid and a few colds or flus. Overall, I was in fairly good shape!
I had a love/hate relationship with my body like sadly so many young girls do because I was always trying to be "thinner" and "prettier" and fit into that perfect social media ideal of what beautiful is.
My desire to achieve that perfect body/perfect look had me studying how to loose weight (in a healthy way - I was fortunate enough to not end up with an eating disorder) and I exercised faithfully!
I was FAR from that ideal in my own mind but I worked on it like it was my life's mission and when you are young and trying to find your way in the world and fit in, you want to look your best to do so.
Hindsight is as they say 100% and looking back now I wish sometimes I could go back to a younger version of myself and make her see herself in a whole different way.
22yrs old I bought a one-way airplane ticket to Australia and for nearly 2 yrs I studied there and lived the life of a young traveler. I spent my days at school studying Early Childhood Education and in the evenings I worked and spent my time with friends at local pubs enjoying the single life!
A couple of days before I was to come home to Canada I got sick. Only at the time I didn't know that it would change my life forever.
My roommate Donna, had taken me into Surfer's Paradise to do some last minute souvenir shopping and just toward the end of our trip around the mall I asked her if we could go home. I could barely walk anymore and felt so dizzy I thought I was going to pass out.
She drove me home and I laid down on my bed and didn't move for 2-3 days. Raj, our beautiful Rottweiler (and I say "our" but she was really Donna's dog) sat by my door or bed and didn't move. Donna would relay this all to me later because I honestly don't even remember being in bed! I recall hoping to get there and then waking up days later.
I slowly felt better and chalked it up to a bad cold/flu and said my goodbye's to friends and boarded a plane home.
I left Australia a healthy size 7/8 and over the next 2 months at home my body and life would spiral out of control. In a mere 6-8 weeks I gained over 60lbs and shot up to a size 16!!
I could not understand what was going on with my body. I had NO control over it.
My face broke out, I was nauseous and sick when I ate certain things. I would drink something, feel a little better while I was drinking it and then get 10X worse!
Exercise felt awful! I couldn't jog properly. I was exhausted and starting to get depressed. Everything I ate backfired on me. I was doing everything right but one day I actually called into work because I was too bloated and fat to fit into anything but a skirt.
Overnight I had become my own worst enemy!!
My body was fighting back on everything I did to get healthy again.
Now - spoiler alert! I was eventually diagnosed with Celiac's disease.
Over the next 2 yrs I went from being fed increased amounts of fiber in the form of whole wheat and barley (toxic to Celiacs), I was put on antibiotics for acne for 6 weeks that couldn't be controlled (it ended up doing WAY more damage to my body), I tried everything I could think of. I was sent to a dietician for the weight gain. Eventually I spiraled into a major depression. I sat on the couch in our basement crying, and I couldn't stop. I lost the will to eat!! I flat out refused to feed myself. It wasn't worth it anymore.
Writing this is still an emotional thing for me because I still remember vividly my sisters coming into the basement with a bowl and spoon and hugging me, and feeding me cause if not I wouldn't eat. I had given up hope.
The invisible enemy, this monster inside of me was winning.
I was put on anti-depressants. Things were not good. I was not ok.
Driving into Toronto with my family I remember looking out the window and feeling like I wasn't even in the same world as everyone else. I was trapped in some nightmarish universe loosing a battle I wasn't even sure anymore I wanted to win.
Salvation came to me in the incredible doctors at the Lockwood clinic in Toronto.
I don't know to this day how I heard about it but people come from all over the country go to the Lockwood clinic when they can't get answers elsewhere about health issues.
4 straight days I went to the clinic. A family physician sees you and then for the next few days you are sent to specialists all over the medical "center' of Toronto and tested for everything.
Now, I will say some of the tests were mildly humiliating and uncomfortable. I had things done to every part of me. Over the next couple of weeks I would finally see the light.
I was diagnosed with a milk protein allergy first. Lactose intolerance is one thing you can take medication for an go back to fairly normal consumption of dairy. Milk protein was different. There were things on the list that to me had no milk in them, like beer and several other things. Along with some strange things like the beer were artificial sweeteners like sorbitol and aspartame. It was a restricting diet to say the least when you are used to eating anything but I started to feel better! My dad was also the one who pointed out that there were milk ingredients in my antidepressants!!! Things were starting to click.
Could I stand a chance here? Was I going to be able to conquer my body while it fought against everything I'd previously known about how to keep it healthy?
A couple of more weeks later and I was given the diagnosis of Celiacs disease. I cried. Honestly it was a relief to know what had been wrong all along! So I was happy you could say, but what the heck was I going to eat?? Options were not like they are now.
I stuck rigidly to my new "diet" and over the next couple of months the weight fell off of me. I was winning! I felt good. I was happy again. I could be me. Sure it was hard to find things to eat in some places and I had to be super careful. I had a few dates where the guys I went out with thought I was NUTS bringing things with me to restaurants to eat, but I wasn't going back down that dark road for anybody!!!
Conferences about Celiacs I attended! Local groups who could offer support and info, I joined those. I was going to tackle this thing!
Autoimmune disease affects millions of people worldwide and with it comes the titles of many specific diseases. Things like MS, Chron's, Rheumatoid Arthritis and the list is endless.
These are called invisible illnesses because you can't see how sick someone is with any of these diseases. On the outside someone can look completely "normal".
One major issue I face with my illness is the chronic inflammation that can be horrific sometimes to say the least.
Several times I've read or seen comments about how people with autoimmune sound a little too "dramatic" about the things they are feeling. Honestly, I try not to let those kinds of things bother me because it's such a misunderstood thing. It's just people being naive.
I suffered with fear and anxiety over my food issues because I knew how badly things could go for me if I was exposed to those things. Sometimes people were understanding and other times I was "attention seeking".
Having body issues is one thing, but having a body that rebels against everything you know is healthy is a whole other thing completely.
My battles were FAR from over.
I was ok for a few years. I had my little issues here and there but for the most part I was winning the fight. I was relearning how to stay healthy. I was in control of my life again.
Until one day I had children. I longed for children! Kids are now and always have been my life.
Growing up I was one of those girls who wanted to be a "Mommy" when she grew up. It was my dream so I was ecstatic when I found out I was expecting since autoimmune can often lead to infertility. Something else I had secretly feared since being diagnosed years earlier.
What I didn't know was I would be facing "round 2" with my old enemy and it would be a longer, harder fight than before.
Having kids can mess with your body in ways you are not always aware of normally. Having an underlying condition like autoimmune can make those things worse than you ever dreamed. Stress on your body like that of pregnancy can cause inflammation to flare up, and with inflammation can come other problems.
I started loosing again!
I spiraled back out of control of myself. I was once again my own enemy and this time all the new things I'd learned from my first battle were no longer working.
My body was attacking itself faster than before and in ways I didn't know how to stop.
Weight piled on faster than when I was pregnant. MORE than when I was pregnant. I couldn't move. I could hardly stay awake somedays.
Sitting on the couch one day I looked over at my mom and she looked back at me and said "this is getting scary".
I had 2 young kids, a relationship that was crumbling, my self-esteem was gone again and I had these incredible little blessings that had been sent into my life looking up to me, wanting me to play and counting on me to be strong for them.
So I suffered and I smiled and I did it all again. I researched, I exercised (which can be incredibly damaging when you are in a flare up but who knew), I slept and I took supplements and I grabbed at any kind of "straws" I could find.
The enemy was still winning. This body, this was now a nightmare.
I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I longed for a glimpse of the girl I used to be, or a hint of someone like her. I cried, a lot!
I hid from pictures and filtered them if I had to be in them. I wanted to be invisible like the disease that was beating me.
Years passed and I ended up at a weight loss clinic, with chronic swelling in my body, weight that wouldn't budge and failed attempt after failed attempt at something that would work.
The doctors checked my food diary, they weighed me, took my blood pressure and ran all kinds of blood tests. I waited for help, for answers like before. None came.
I was told I had the medical labs of a healthy 18yr old, but I looked nothing like it.
One day a neighbour of mine recommended a natural health practitioner who was certified in BIE therapy. I was desperate and willing to keep trying anything, determined that something would break the cycle like before.
A couple of sessions into the BIE therapy (a natural way of resetting your body in lay men's terms) and I didn't think anything was working until I looked in the mirror one afternoon and my face was swollen up like someone having an anaphylactic reaction to something. I ended up in the ER with the doctors baffled as to what was happening with me.
That summer I was supposed attend my sisters wedding in Calgary. I had been having strange sensations of feeling short of breath for a while but nothing too alarming that I had thought medical help was needed. Stress wasn't something unknown in my life and I chalked most of that up to stress (which it most likely was) and went on with my days.
Until 2 days before the wedding. Standing in my kitchen the feeling of not being able to breathe suddenly came over me and was intense. It came on suddenly and instead of subsiding it was getting worse. I wasn't anxious. I was convinced it wasn't a panic attack which can give you the feeling that you can't breathe. Something inside me though told me to get to the hospital, and fast.
I went to the ER and the triage nurse did a quick ECG. The readings were not normal and my blood pressure was spiking. Being someone with consistently low blood pressure my entire life things were looking bad.
As you can guess I missed the wedding. I was given medications for people who are having heart attacks, but there was only one problem - I wasn't having one. Once more in the hospital while lying in bed completely calm, my blood pressure shot up through the roof and I was convinced I was having a heart attack. It felt like I was being crushed. I called for help.
Every test possible was done on my heart. I was completely fine! No heart attack! I hadn't had one. There was NOTHING wrong according to the tests. Again, doctors were stumped.
I was referred to a specialist and internal medicine. I left days later with no answers.
Carolyn, the woman who did the BIE with me and for whom I will be eternally grateful for saving my life continued with my sessions. She put me on a cleanse for Candida overgrowth.
For 2 months prior to the cleanse I went totally sugar free. No fruit, no juice, no coffee, nothing. I drank only water. I ate healthy veggies and brown rice. I lost NOTHING!
My faith however was with her, she knew her stuff and very slowly I was seeing small changes for the better. It had been 10yrs!!
A 10 yr war with myself and my body and I had lost so much time. I had been in enough pain.
I committed to the cleanse and never strayed from it. I took Diatomaceous Earth and after one month more of no sugar I weighed the same but I knew something was changing.
My legs hadn't swelled. My ankles were ankles again. I was scared it wasn't going to last.
Terrified and hopeful I did more sessions of the BIE and lost 6-7lbs. A miracle for me.
The swelling I had everyday for 10yrs was going down. Could I win again?
A few months later I found Modere. Now, some people will say this part is all for sales and I could care less. If this can help ONE other person not suffer for as long as I did than the rest doesn't matter. I started a product called Trim and the collagen and CLA in it gave me a feeling I hadn't had in years either - energy!
I added Biocell LIFE in and the difference was dramatic. I could move again without the pain. My back was functional! I could get up and play with my kids. I even started jogging again with them for a short while, something I hadn't been able to do in years no matter how hard I tried.
I know it will take me a couple of years or more to undo the damage from this last battle and I'll get back to being healthy again and I'll keep taking the Biocell as long as I possibly can.
Each day I see a little more of the person I know is always inside me fighting as hard as she can to win.
For now, I'm winning! Slowly! I'm defeating the inflammation and the chronic pain that comes with it. I'm giving this body time to heal on her own terms. This is for me, not anyone else and it will take time.
I will still have days where I need to give myself a break and be patient.
Chronic inflammation can do SO much damage to a persons body it's unbelievable. Especially to those who've never experienced it.
Living with autoimmune and having your body turn on itself constantly is something you can't truly explain to someone else who hasn't had the same problem.
You become accustomed to living in pain. You swell. You get depressed. You loose energy and gain weight. You cry! You walk through the days in pain.
As I lay in the ER I saw the doctors and nurses looking at me, and my chart, and my weight and I felt their stares. All I wanted to do was shout I'M TRYING! I AM NOT FAT AND LAZY!
You feel judged. People tell you you look great. You know you don't.
So here I am! Am I a warrior? Sometimes I feel like it, and other times, I feel like a failure.
One thing I know though is that each battle I face with my own body fighting me every step of the way I gain more knowledge and experience. I learn new ways to fight it and win back some of my health!
A couple of years ago I had my kids tested and I know for sure 2 of the 3 are like me. They are Celiac. I feed them gluten free. I teach them how to stay healthy and so far they are winning too! I hope to gain as much information and experience as I need to make sure I can keep them that way!
I will fight a thousand battles and carry the scars of them all so they don't have to live through the years of pain and poor health like I did.
I know I will have more battles ahead and I don't know how bad they will be, or how long they will last. I can only hope that each time I come out on top.
Today though.......I'm still winning!
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